Bye Mitch

Good Morning,
As most of you know, I’m a big fan of stand up comedy. There really is nothing better than somebody standing up there on stage and just killing… and sometimes it’s pretty damn good to watch somebody bomb. Well yesterday we lost one of my fav’s. Mitch Hedberg unfortunately died at the age of 37. I was holding out hope that it was just an early April Fools joke, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. (and if it is… good one Mitch).
So I scoured the internet and compiled some of my favorite Hedberg quotes…

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly... I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong... or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something. I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.

We'll miss ya Mitch!